Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
