having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
Randomize
