I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Randomize
