Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
3pm strippers are depressing
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
