Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
Randomize
