Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
