I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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