I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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