all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
