Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
