atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
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