believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
