Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
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