what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
