Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
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