I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
