i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Randomize
