he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
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So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
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I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
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