Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
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