dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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