So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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