Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Randomize
