before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
I just had sex on a roof
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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