mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
It's never too late to be topless.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
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