I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
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You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
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I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
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