if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Randomize
