From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
