dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
