and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
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