I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
Randomize
