I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
