Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
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