All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
you traded sex for a burrito?
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The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
she told me i tasted like america
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
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I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
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