Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
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