we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
