I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
