Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
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