I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
This beer is not sobering me up at all
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Randomize
