I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Randomize
