He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
I'm bringing poparts in case anyone gets hungry. The trek to frat row is strenuous.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
