Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
Randomize
