How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
I dont need to watch it. And stop comparing your life to Entourage.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
i've created a new STD.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
