I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize