your parents love me but you hate me
the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
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