Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
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