my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Randomize
