My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
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You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
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I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
He's on the porch naked. Help.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
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