He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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