between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
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