I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
