I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
Your message has been received by an unknown user. Picture verification required.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
Randomize
