I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
